Lessons learned from my grandpa

Heaven gained an angel this week when the patriarch of our family passed away peacefully, surrounded by his loving wife and children.  It’s because of my grandpa that my father was raised to be a good dad.  And it’s because of my dad that I knew what to strive for in finding a man to love both me and my future children.  The way my grandpa lived his life has had a direct impact on my upbringing and subsequently my faith. Although I grew up in another state, I never not knew my grandpa or questioned his presence in my life—he was (and will continue to be) always present, even when I couldn’t see him; and even though I could never put it all into words, here are a few of the life lessons that stand out the most. 

1.Dress to impress

My grandpa always dressed to impressed.  Every Christmas he wore the most beautiful red cashmere sweater.  My earliest Christmas memories are of me sitting on his lap or giving him hugs and feeling the super soft material against my skin. A few years ago, at the Cathey family reunion, all of my grandpa’s siblings told stories about each other and one of my favorite stories was when my grandpa was a small boy.  Apparently, he had a fancy polo he wanted to wear and for whatever reason, he wasn’t allowed to wear it or maybe it wasn’t available to him.  Whatever the reason, he was made to wear a different outfit than the one he wanted, so instead of going to school he skipped.  I asked him, “why,” and his response: “I wanted to impress the girls with my nice shirt.  If I couldn’t wear it, I wasn’t going.” Ha!  Fantastic.  He also told me that later in his school years he learned the art of the popped collar (that I’ve since taught my bonus sons).  Grandpa would pop his collar on purpose, but not for the fashion fad that we see in today’s youth--instead it was so a sweet little girl would come up and fix it for him.  He said it worked every time (complete with his infamous wink).  As an adult he had a black truck that he always kept clean and looking sharp.  Lessons learned: Dress nice, make an effort, put your best foot forward. My parents’ parents’ generation understood this life skill and diligently taught it to their offspring.  Consequently, my sister and I inherently knew that when we went to church, special events, first day of school, etc. that we would be wearing our Sunday best.  We grew up knowing it’s always fashionable to look your best, and a smile (or an occasional wink) is the best accessory you can wear. 

2. Find a career you love and work hard at it

Prior to his career with the University, my grandpa was a radio cryptographer with the United States Navy.  After his honorable discharge in 1969 he became an Agricultural Chemist working for the University of Missouri for 43 years until he retired in 2012.  When I was a freshman at the same university, Grandpa showed me the ropes.  I knew all the best spots on campus to watch (or feed French fries to) the squirrels, the best landscaped areas, and the quiet spots to study.  But my favorite place he showed me was a wooden door less than 20 yards from a vending machine in the agricultural building—his lab!  I loved stopping by over the next four years to say “hi” between classes.  He’d come to the Dutch door with the biggest smile on his face happy to show off his grandchildren to whoever would listen.  His genuine happiness of sharing a passing “hello” was impalpable.  Sometimes, we would even walk together down the hall to the vending machine and share a snack, and then he’d leave me with a handful of change— “a girl should always have some change in her pockets” he’d say.  Lessons learned: find a job you love, work hard and dedicate yourself to your craft, prioritize your breaks, say “hello” when passing by, and always have a few quarters on hand.

3.  Be graceful

It wasn’t until the movie Stepmom with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon came out that it ever really occurred to me that my dad grew up with a stepfamily. I had gone to watch the movie with some friends and when I came home my parents asked me how it was.  I told them it was really good, but probably especially sad if you have a stepmom.  My dad looked at me and smiled.  I literally had to ask him what he was smiling at.  You see—my dad has a stepmom.  My sister and I call her grandma.  She is our grandma.  That’s what I’ve always called her and what I will continue to call her.  Looking back, I can clearly understand why this revelation never occurred to me prior to my dad literally spelling it out for me.  It was one hundred percent due to the fact that my grandpa never once spoke poorly of my dad’s biological mom (who is, you guessed it, also my grandma).  For the life of me, no matter how hard I try, there is not a single memory I have where my grandpa ever spoke ill of my biological grandma, even when she was brought up in conversation.  Growing up I thought I was one of the lucky kids who had lots of grandparents.  I even bragged about it to my friends!  And you know what?  I was more than just lucky, I was blessed.  How cool is it to be loved my so many?  More grandparents meant more love.  For that, we were so incredibly blessed!  But consider for a second, more grandparents could have also easily meant more hate-- if they hadn’t been more mindful of their hearts and their tongues when in the presence of others.  I honestly don’t know much of my grandpa’s story in relation to his first wife (my dad’s mom).  But what I do know is that he sat his kids down one day, told them “we’re going to be okay,” and they were.  He raised some pretty fantastic people that I’m proud to call my dad, aunts, and uncle, and he did it all without badmouthing or putting his first marriage down.  As a stepmom myself, I get a little teary-eyed thinking of the lesson I never realized he was teaching me.  He taught me that it’s okay to be sad, angry, or hurt.  But even so, to be graceful in my words and actions. Lesson learned: The golden rule.   

4.    Live in the moment

Before we moved to Missouri we’d drive once a year to visit family there. This was either for Christmas or sometime during the summer.  Each visit had its own special adventures, but our summer visits were always extra special for me.  It didn’t matter if we came in June, July, or August—we always celebrated my birthday. The coolest part is my grandpa created a very special tradition for me in addition to our typical visit.  Now to back up a little, whether we came in the summer or the winter, grandpa would always pre-arrange a day for his girls (my sister and I).  We’d get up bright and early and go to breakfast at Bob Evan’s.  After breakfast, we’d shop til we drop.  Grandpa made sure we had enough bags to cover our arms, even if there wasn’t actually anything in the bags! We’d eat lunch at Garfield’s and then return in the evening to tell our parents about all our adventures and show them our new treasures. But the special part?  Amber and grandpa would conspire together to tell the waitresses at Garfield’s that it was my birthday.  Even though I knew it was coming, I was always pleasantly surprised. They’d make me stand on the seat in the booth (or on the table when I was really little), everyone would sing to me, and we’d get a special dessert to share.  Grandpa would even order sodas for us and taught us how to lean our heads really close to the cup so we could feel the fizz on our face.  As a young girl, this was prime time living in the moment. As we got older, our tradition continued and each trip included something special.  I’ll never forget the day we really lived in the moment and he took me to cut over ten inches off my hair!  Holy cow.  He was teaching us to be present and to have fun (and to sometimes ask for forgiveness instead of permission).  As we got even older we learned about his own life growing up and the adventures he had when we he was our age.  I find myself thinking about his stories sometimes and wishing I’d been with him then so I could experience all the fun, too—especially when he told me how one summer he and his sweetie danced on American Bandstand! Lesson learned: live life and have fun doing it. 

5.    Don’t sweat the small (or big) stuff

My grandpa had the best wit.  Anytime you saw him he’d tell you a new joke.  In my household, these jokes have been dubbed dad jokes. And let me tell you, between grandpa, my dad, and my husband, I could recite a plethora of them.  The best part?  They’re clean.  Some of the silliest and funniest jokes don’t have a lick of crudeness to them.  It wasn’t uncommon to be in mid-conversation with grandpa and for him to slide a witty joke in while keeping a completely straight face.  It’d take a second, but you’d almost always do a double take—wait, wuuhat? He’d look at you briefly and either shrug or give you that sly wink of his.  Grandpa kept his wit right up to the end. When asked “how you are feeling” he responded “with my fingers.”  Cue the eye roll.  Well played grandpa, well played.  And what might be the wittiest mic drop at all?  In preparing for his funeral he was asked what his favorite bible verse was, one that he wanted included in his funeral.  He responded with, “the shortest one in the bible, and tie it to John 3:16.” His response may seem sassy and a bit like his jokester self, but upon further inspection, this verse is in fact found in the Gospel John chapter 11 verse 35 and reads “Jesus wept.”  When you delve further into the story you discover his witty comment is actually very intentional.  Read the story.  You won’t be disappointed in the reminder of Jesus’ love.  Lessons learned: Be witty, not crude.  Find reasons to smile, even in the hard times. 

6.    A quiet faith is a strong faith

Growing up I’d always been taught, being a Christian is not defined by your weekly attendance at church but rather by the way you lead your life in both in service to and in how you treat others.  My parents taught my sister and I about stories in the bible, how to pray, and how to keep our faith at the center of our family, but I can’t actually recall a time grandpa openly spoke about his faith around me.  Even so, I know he was a faithful man. It didn’t matter your ethnicity, race, or origin, Grandpa treated you like family. He was the epitome of dying to self for others (John 3:30, 1 Corinthians 15:31, Galatians 2: 20-21).  He was a member of Riggs church and served on their cemetery board.  He served his country by joining the Navy.  He volunteered at the Hallsville Lions Club and Optimist Club and Meals on Wheels.  He helped with the food pantry at the Methodist Church, and served veterans by driving them to their hospital appointments at the local VA.  These volunteer contributions aside, he also quietly served others.  Remember that pocket change he used to give me (refer to #2), he showed me once the right way to spend those quarters.  As we walked down the street together near his office one day, he dropped a quarter in every expired meter as he passed.  At the time I didn’t think too much about it.  But now, looking back, I realize the value in such a small gesture in serving others.  Those extra 25 minutes on a meter could make all the difference in someone’s day.  Lesson learned: Lead by example.  Give the quarter away, someone else needs it more.

7.    Be present

Even though I grew up in South Carolina, I never questioned the love of my grandpa.  He was ever present.  Through phone calls, letters, visits, etc.  My earliest memories of his presence were in packages that contained small baggies of what my sister and I called helicopters.  I still have no idea what these leaf-like things are called, but I loved them.  I always looked forward to the package that contained a sweet note and a plastic baggie full of helicopters.  My sister and I would head to the yard with our bags and toss them in the air one-by-one watching them swivel and twist to the ground. We’d do this over and over, collect up all our helicopters, and do it again.  There was such joy in his simple gesture.  Over the years he always sent the most perfect cards for birthdays and other special occasions.  During our shopping visits (remember #4) he signed me up for a Hallmark rewards card and taught me the lost art in picking out the most perfect card.  We’d take our time walking up and down the aisles reading all the cards until we found the perfect one for the designated occasion. During holidays he’d be ever present in his favorite chair having conversations, singing songs, or just sitting back and listening—always a giant smile on his face.  He flew to SC to see my sister graduate high school, and drove several hours to my graduation from grad school.  Every big event in my life, grandpa was front and center.  When I became engaged I grappled for weeks whether my decision to get married back in SC was the right one, because I knew my grandpa would likely not be able to travel.  It wasn’t until I talked to him that I felt at peace with my decision.  He said “oh honey, that will be the most beautiful wedding, it’s your home.”  Although he was unable to attend, he was still present.  I brought back some fun items from the wedding and shared the trinkets and our stories with him as soon as I could.  And later still, when grandpa was in the nursing home, I welcomed the birth of my first child.  As soon as possible, we arranged for him to come meet her.  It warms my heart to know my daughter has shared in the love of our grandpa with me.  I loved the bond they shared right from the get-go.  She stared solemnly into his eyes while he fed her and snuggled her.  It wasn’t long before she was smiling and playing with him. And in his final weeks, as he held her gently against him, he looked at me and said “honey, this is as close to heaven as it gets.”  Lesson learned:  Heaven can be found here on earth, as long as we’re present to experience it.  

8.    Invest in your marriage

If you believe nothing else, at least believe this—My grandpa loved my grandma.  He’s always had a special name for her and together they shared in many adventures.  I loved the way he spoke to her, and she him. Their little traditions every Christmas, like how he always got her a piece of jewelry and she always got him a new cashmere sweater, were so special.  They took day trips to the Rocheport and to Arrow Rock where they enjoyed watching plays and walking around the small-town shops.  They watched birds together and went on picnics.  When they were dating, they’d walk and ride bikes on the Katy trails together.  I’m sure in their marriage they experienced trials and hard times, but together they lived a life full of kindness, mutual respect, and love.  They modeled the kind of marriage I wanted for myself.  And even in his last days, her love was never failing-- she was present, held his hand, and talked gently with him right up to the end. Lesson learned: make your marriage a priority and love eachother fiercely.  

9.    Take care of yourself

Self-care is all the rage these days. Sometimes it seems like such a new concept.  But it’s not. Self-care isn’t only yoga and meditation. Sometimes self-care is simpler than that.  Grandpa loved spending time taking care of his lawn.  He found true joy in its perfecting it’s landscaped quality.  He loved to go fishing and quail hunting, especially with his sons.  He enjoyed watching plays in Arrow Rock and a nice glass of wine at the winery.  He looked forward to his Saturday drives to Amish country where he’d always get an apple pie.  When asked, he said his favorite place was always Mark Twain for serenity.  As his time here on earth was nearing closer, what he most wanted was time with his family and to spend moments in his sunroom watching the birds.  Sometimes taking care of yourself is one of the hardest things you can do, but it’s so important it.  Because you are worth it.  Lesson learned—find joy in your life and experience it daily.   

10.  Never stop dreaming

I love that even at 80 years old grandpa had dreams and aspirations. He’d always wanted to have more time to travel all over England.  He wanted to know his great grandbabies and to share all his wisdom with them (don’t worry grandpa, you already are).  Once, when my husband and I brought our little two month old daughter to visit him in the nursing home, they got to talking about skydiving.  They discussed the peace found while floating back to Earth after the initial thrilling jump from the plane.  I’ll never forget grandpa looking at me and saying “sign me up honey.”  I wasn’t expecting it.  I later learned grandpa always woke up from dreams where he’d dreamt he was flying high above and looking down on everyone.  I’d like to think that was a bit of a premonition.  I know in my heart he’s in Heaven—an angel watching down on us.  While his initial jump from Earth may have been scary/thrilling for him, and for all of us, I also know he’s found peace in his new Heavenly life and he’s already helping prepare a place for when we get there. Lesson learned:  Never stop dreaming, and in his words “will all get there.”